Holy fark!

Meh!  What a day, where do I begin???

First session with counsellor for my post natal depression….  Uncomfortable having to talk to her, how the fuck do I know “what I want to talk about”?  I thought that’s what she was there for, I don’t know where to start!

Got my new rost for work – really disappointed, I dropped my hours for a few months so I could spend more time at home but my roster has me working nearly every day.  Told my boss I may as well return to my full hours, I was so looking forward to lightening my load.

Paul is on holiday for the next three weeks, or who knows how long.  There are no guarantees as to where he will be working now, how many hours etc since the store is closing soon.  We will be royally screwed if he is offered a job far from home – we can’t afford another car so it has to be within riding distance of home.

I can’t believe this is happening.  Everything was seeming difficult enough without his job change – I felt like it could be manageable, but now it’s all up in the air.  And he doesn’t seem to be all that worried, even making a joke about being a stay at home dad – not a chance in hell!  I have supported us for eight years, I think I’m entitled to a break!  I’m not kidding when I tell him I’ll probably die at work and won’t live long enough to enjoy retirement.  That’s certainly how it feels, I’ll never be free of that place, I don’t have a choice but to work.

Now that I’ve purged that ray of sunshine I might just head to bed.

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Aarrrgh

Oh my god, dI’d I really just do that?  Did I really just open myself up, pour out some of the hurt for a complete stranger – all thewhile opening up to everyone for them to see my pain???  I hope so much that people don’t decide to read it.

 

I am beyond embarrassed, I don’tknow what came over me, other than a true desire to help someone see that surgery is not the answer.  I have laid myself bare to more criticism,  all the while dreading what others will be thinking of me – that loser failed at something that is so easy.  How pathetic to fail something so easy!

I just want to curl up and die.

Addi

Can’t believe my baby girl is seven months old today!  You would think, or hope, the second time around motherhood would be easier!  But Addi has had a couple minor health issues, and is not yet a fantastic sleeper – which is what worries me the most!  Work is only about seven weeks away, and being a shift worker I am always running on empty sleep-wise so am a tad anxious.  

I’m not thrilled with the idea of returning to work!  I don’t enjoy it so much, it’s a necessity and so I tend to resent it.  I work with some nice people, but I also work with some absolute bitches and a couple people who are so useless they shouldn’t still hold their jobs!  So altogether it is frustrating, and I am not happy about my return.

It was the same story when I returned after having my son… Not happy to go but understand my obligation as the main breadwinner.  Second time around I know what will happen – my sons world revolved around Dadda because he was home more so I will again become invisible… The lady who is home sometimes, but not so important as Dadda – I can’t help but be angry at hubby for this.  He does not even try to find himself a better job so that he can take the strain off me, I really hate that!

 

Newby

I have not blogged for a long time. The last time was on Free Online Health which, sadly, no longer exists.  It consisted of my angst about weight loss, which is still my struggle!  I hardly know where to start, what to write….

I have started reading a lot lately thanks to the IPad my hubby won…. Never would havebought one, but I found a good use, and that is downloading books!  It started with the Fifty Shades books and went from there – happy to say I have discovered some greatauthors, my new fave being Colleen Hoover who I only discovered a couple days ago.

Not much else to write at present, but I’m sure my ‘wordarrhoea’ will spur me on – once I’m on a roll u won’t be able to stop me lol.